Did you know that 4 in 10 people have an insecure attachment style? Attachment styles describe how we connect with other people and they often stem from our early childhood experiences. Our attachment styles are influenced by the attachment styles of our parents, who were influenced by their parents, and so on. Luckily, when this cycle perpetuates unhealthy thoughts and behaviors, it can be disrupted.
Self-reflection is crucial in providing a nurturing space for children; if you remain unaware of your insecurities, you may inadvertently decrease your children’s resiliency and chances of creating healthy connections in the future. So, what are the signs you should be monitoring yourself and your child for?
Anxious Attachment
You may have an anxious attachment style if you:
- Have trouble believing that others will be there for you. Trust is a huge part of healthy attachment, so if your past experiences have left you feeling like you can’t trust people to support you, you may be the anxious type.
- Had an inconsistent relationship with your primary caregiver. You might be anxiously attached if you felt confused by their behavior, frequently wondering whether your caregiver would be emotionally or physically present the next time you needed them.
- Look to your child to meet your needs or validate you. People with an anxious attachment style are constantly seeking reassurance from those around them. This may even present itself in your parent-child relationship. You may find yourself frequently looking to your child for a reminder that you are loved, seeking validation.
Avoidant Attachment
You may have an avoidant attachment style if you:
- Have ever been described as hyper-independent by your parents or partner. Avoidant individuals often feel uncomfortable relying on anyone, so it is common for extreme independence to be their defining feature in the eyes of those closest to them.
- Struggle to connect with your child emotionally. You may feel uncomfortable when your child cries or needs verbal reassurance of love from you. While avoidant parents may attend to their child’s physical needs, they have a hard time consistently attending to their child’s emotional needs.
- Find it difficult to be truly vulnerable in your relationships. This difficulty can be attributed to the same reason these individuals display hyper-independence; avoidant people are uncomfortable being open about their emotions because they don’t want to rely on the care of others.
If either of these described individuals sounds like you, don’t worry! There are 3 simple things you can do to foster a secure connection with your child despite your insecurities.
- Spend time learning about your attachment style and how it manifests in your parent-child relationship.
Once you have identified your problematic behaviors, you can acknowledge the ways they have manifested in your relationship with your child. Research suggests that being an anxious “helicopter parent” can increase your child’s own anxious behaviors and decrease their independence. Conversely, inconsistency in giving affection can make children struggle to be vulnerable. Both clinging to and holding back with your child may affect their ability to attach appropriately to you and others, so reflect on whether or not you demonstrate these behaviors.
- Balance flexibility and structure in your parenting.
Research suggests that authoritative parenting produces some of the most emotionally and socially healthy children. This kind of parenting requires you to provide your child with the proper balance of flexibility and structure. Children who are given rules while still being allowed to explore their world are more likely to develop a close relationship with their parents and become comfortable expressing their emotions. The emotional intelligence skills of secure children are likely to translate into future relationships as well.
- Be consistent in your nurturing.
When all is said and done, one of the most important qualities in your parenting is consistency. Making it clear to your child that their needs will be continuously met and that their health and safety are your priority positively affects their ability to trust. Unknown variables in relationships exacerbate the fears of anxious and avoidant children, so respond to their bids for attention more often than not and comfort them when needed. By showing your child that you are trustworthy, you will increase their chances of securely attaching to you.
Now that you are familiar with attachment insecurity, I urge you to make the choice every day to be the parent that your child needs. The stability you offer your child will give them a safe environment to return to after a long day of exploring their world. When they grow up, your securely attached children will raise securely attached children, and that is a cycle worth continuing.
