Seven years ago, my husband and I became foster parents. As a foster parent, I have seen my fair share of kids who have been through traumatic experiences. At first, I wanted to ease their pain and shield them from any hardships they might encounter, but through multiple trainings I realized that it doesn’t heal them. Teaching them resilience does. The American Psychological Association defines resilience as “the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.” Over the years, I’ve noticed many of the tools I already used helped build resilience. These four areas made the biggest impact: predictability, self-care, goal setting, and making connections.
1. Predictability
When our caseworker suggested creating a daily schedule, I didn’t expect it to be as life changing as it was. My best friend, who happens to be a daycare director, shared the schedule they use, and I copied it onto a poster board and put it on my wall. I stuck to it like glue. I had no idea how much I needed this simple tool. It not only calmed me down, but the kids as well. I found that with any kind of trauma or changes in a child’s life, having the ability to predict what would happen next was crucial. Slowly, and I mean turtles pace slowly, the kids stopped asking what was next because they knew when they would eat again and when bath and bedtime were going to happen. As explained by the JCC Chicago Early Childhood Program, routines help kids feel secure, feel more in control of their environment, transition more easily, and build independence, all foundations of resilience.
2. Self-Care:
Simple habits like bathing, wearing clean clothes, eating nutritious food, getting enough sleep, even exploring the world, are forms of self-care that build confidence and stability. As a parent, I’ve been taught the importance of self-care for myself. It wasn’t until I had older children placed in my home that I realized that self-care was just as important for children to learn. It was one day when I had hit the end of my rope that I was sitting in my bedroom watching yet another chick flick and trying hard to block out what was happening around me when my oldest came to find me. She saw what I was doing and asked if she could join. I hesitated and said yes, but she had to be quiet. She ran and grabbed her blanket and crawled into my bed and snuggled up with me. Two hours and many tears later, I realized that she needed time to reset as well. Later, she asked me why I was hiding in my room. I told her I needed some alone time. She said “Why didn’t you say anything? I didn’t have to watch your movie”. I told her that sometimes even parents need a break from being a parent, and that doesn’t mean you don’t love or want your children. Taking a break helps me to get up and fight again the next day to take care of you and your siblings. She thanked me and later would call me to be the safe place she came to take a break from helping to raise her siblings.
Teaching children, the importance of self-care looks different in every home. The APA says this about resilience and self-care, “This may be making more time to eat properly, exercise, and get sufficient sleep. Make sure your child has time to have fun and participate in activities they enjoy. Caring for oneself and even having fun will help children stay balanced and better deal with stressful times.”
3. Goals:
Setting and achieving goals is a skill I learned growing up. My parents would help me set and work towards different goals. At times, I thought they were so mean. Turns out my parents knew things I didn’t. Goal setting is a crucial skill for children, especially as they navigate the challenging transition from preschool or home to elementary. This shift often introduces new academic pressures that can overwhelm young students. Our foster child was overwhelmed with all the assignments, as well as worrying about home life. To help her, we set up a goal and reward system. We made sure the goals were achievable and we helped this child work towards the goals set. Here’s why goal setting is important for children: it fosters resilience. As children accomplish their set goals, they experience a sense of achievement. This builds confidence and resilience, encouraging them to persevere through future challenges.
By breaking down assignments into small chunks of time, this child was able to accomplish what seemed impossible. The child’s confidence and enthusiasm for learning increased. She felt so proud as she accomplished the goals she set. She could see how she really could do hard things one bite at a time.
4. Making Connections
In today’s fast-paced electronic world, kids are using more technology than ever before and at younger ages. While the access to technology has allowed us to communicate with loved ones who do not live close, this is making face-to-face connections hard for some kids. In a newsletter I read recently, a child mentioned that he would want to have his friend over for dinner when asked who he could have lunch with, past or present. Our world has rapidly changed and it is vital to teach your child the importance of having good friends and adults they can trust and confide in, whether online or in person. However, having a network of good friends and adults they can trust can be challenging for many of today’s families. Some of the ways that children can connect to friends outside of school to make meaningful connections are in-person play dates, phone/video chats, and texts, as well as build a strong family network. This will foster a connection that provides social support and strengthens resilience.
I want to challenge you to use the tools of predictability, self-care, goal setting, and making connections. I hope that by using the tools I have given to you in these four areas, your children and family will have increased resilience and stability for the future.
