Divorce or separation can be a difficult situation, both emotionally and logistically, for parents to navigate. Parents also have the added responsibility of making their children feel loved and cared for during this difficult time.
Telling your children that you and your spouse are getting a divorce is not an easy task. However, it is key that they are informed as soon as possible, because children are very intuitive and may be able to sense something is wrong if you wait to tell them.
When telling your children, it is important to try and do it in a private space. A child finding out that their parents are getting a divorce can bring out a lot of emotions, and they should be in a space where they feel comfortable. It is also beneficial to avoid blaming each other and emphasize that it has nothing to do with the child. Prioritize telling them how much you love them, and that you and your partner getting a divorce does not change that.
Ultimately, there are many different ways to tell your children about a separation or divorce. You, as their parent, know your children and their temperaments best and should tell them in a way that best suits your family.
While it may still be a difficult time for children, below are some ideas on how parents can help make that transition a little smoother for their kids.
- Establishing good communication patterns is important for both you and your co-parent, but also your children. Having open, age-appropriate communication with your child can help them have a better understanding of what is happening and potentially ease some of their concerns.
- Try to keep the conversation child-centered. Avoid talking negatively about your co-parent or the situation. Additionally, try not to use them as a messenger for adult topics.
- Ensure that your child knows that they will get to keep a relationship with both parents.
- Inform them about changes that may be occurring with living and schedules, and give them a timeline of when that may be happening.
- Allow them to ask questions and address any of the concerns that they may have.
Maintain Consistent Routines and Rules
- Routines are vital for children as they provide them with predictability, structure, and security. Providing this kind of environment is especially important during a divorce.
- Spend time with each child one-on-one so they still feel like they are able to spend time with each parent individually. If you would like ideas on where to start with this, Help Me Grow Utah has another great article on special time here: Special Times
- When it comes to rules, they don’t need to be the exact same between the two households. But having consistent rules does make it easier for children to transition between the two households.
- The same idea applies to discipline; try to have similar consequences at each household. And follow through with the result, even if it happened at your co-parent’s house. For example, if your child gets screen time taken away for a week at your co-parent’s house, follow through with that at your house. Rewards can be implemented the same way.
- If no harm is being done, it is okay for you and your co-parent to find your preferred parenting styles. And they do not have to be the same!
Support Your Child’s Relationship with Their Other Parent
It’s important to put your issues with your co-parent aside and encourage your child to have a relationship with their other parent. Here are some ideas on how you can do that
- Attend important events together (school plays, graduations, birthdays, sports events)
- Avoid negative comments about your coparent. This can make children feel like they are being put in the middle or need to choose sides.
- Minimize conflict when together and keep conversations child-centered. If possible, try to find aspects of your co-parent’s parenting style that you like.
As you go through the challenging event of learning how to co-parent and parent through a divorce, remember that you and your child’s well-being are the top priority. Incorporating open communication, consistent routines and rules, and supporting your child’s relationship with their other parent can help make the transition smoother. Try to approach this situation with patience, love, and a desire to stay committed to coparenting to the best of your abilities. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support if you feel you need it. If you have any other questions or would like other resources on this topic, feel free to reach out to Help Me Grow Utah!
