It’s been a long day, and you’re running on empty. Everyone is hungry, and you’re trying to get dinner ready. Suddenly, your preschoolers get into a fight about a toy they both want to play with, and your baby starts to cry. What happens next?
Parenting is both rewarding and challenging. The 2023 Stress in America survey found that 33% of parents with children under the age of 18 experience high levels of stress (compared to 20% of other adults). Among parents of minor children, 50% said that when they are stressed, they can’t bring themselves to do anything (vs. 28% of other adults). Many adults, especially parents, worry about finances: 58% of parents said that money was a significant source of fights or tension in their homes (vs. 30% of other adults). In other words, if you are a parent and experience high levels of stress, you are not alone!
The good news is that there are ways to reduce the impact of stress on our lives. About 75% of survey participants said they had healthy ways to manage their stress and supportive relationships that helped them cope. It is possible to develop resilience! Parental resilience is about building inner strength. It is the ability to parent well when faced with stress, challenges, or even traumatic experiences: one of the Five Protective Factors (also known as the Five Strengths) that help families thrive!
- Knowledge of Parenting and Child Development: Parenting as Children Grow
- Concrete Support in Times of Need: Knowing How to Find Help
- Parental Resilience: Building Inner Strength
- Social Connections: Connecting with Others
- Social and Emotional Competence of Children: Helping Kids Understand Feelings
Parenting Challenges & Rewards
Becoming a parent is transformative: when a child is born, a parent is born! Even after your first child, every new birth is a new beginning. Most parents experience the beauty of this stage of life: 87% in a 2022 survey say that being a parent is one of the most important aspects of who they are as a person – or even the most important one (30%). Most parents (64%) think that they are doing a very good or excellent job! But 62% also said that parenting is harder than they expected.
Precious experiences (like watching your child sleep, getting snuggles, or receiving an artwork made especially for you) are balanced with a constant stream of caregiving, managing time, and attention. Although 80% of parents said that parenting is rewarding and enjoyable to them, 57% of parents with children under age 5 also said parenting is tiring. On top of this, around 40% of parents felt judged by those in their own families.
Strengthening Parental Resilience
You can’t pour from an empty cup! To take care of your children, it is essential to also nurture yourself. There are many ways to support your own well-being. The way this looks is different for everyone and can vary over time. Self-care can look like taking a break, eating a snack, seeing a friend, going for a run, or simply taking a breath. Here are some suggestions for taking care of yourself.
Notice Your Own Needs
The first step in taking care of your own needs is to notice them! We are often so busy with day-to-day life that we forget to pay attention to our own internal signals of hunger, fatigue, overstimulation, and other internal cues. Every day, we can take moments to tune into our bodies to see what they need, as well as plan ahead if possible (e.g., preparing lunch ahead of time, so you know you have something to eat while you’re on the move).
One element of attuning to your own needs is to practice awareness of your stress signals. A helpful tool is Dr. Daniel Siegel’s Window of Tolerance. When we feel balanced, we can handle minor stressors and even think of bigger challenges ahead. But everyone is thrown off balance sometimes, and our bodies can go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. These are brilliant ways of our bodies to survive challenging circumstances, and they are not bad! But when we practice awareness of the signals, we can recognize them sooner and take care of our needs as they arise. When I find myself getting anxious and stressed when I start to think of a problem, I might need to step back and take a break from it, ask for help, or make a list of actionable steps. When we have experienced trauma in our past, it can be harder to recognize when we get outside of our window of tolerance, and we may need expert help to navigate the constant push and pull of our survival mechanisms.
Connect with Others
Trusted relationships can not only help us manage stress but also enjoy the beauty of life! Loved ones can offer practical help (such as taking care of the kids for an afternoon), emotional support, and a shared sense that we can get through this and things will be okay. Social connections of all kinds have been found to enhance our resilience – even a friendly chat with the cashier at the check-out stand can make you feel better! Helping others also increases a sense of well-being, so when you ask a friend for help and later return the favor, both actions are going to strengthen your own resilience.
Self-Compassion
While we cannot control what other people say, think, or do, we can control how we respond! A major antidote to judgements, including our own self-criticism, is self-compassion. When you notice the tendency to judge yourself harshly, take a moment to pause and consider that you are human and human beings make mistakes sometimes! We also can have big expectations of ourselves that we can often not make into a reality. And that’s okay! There is no such thing as a perfect parent: children only need “good- enough” parents. Self-compassion comes down to being kind to yourself and seeing that you are doing the best you can in every moment. Research has found that self-compassion reduces parenting stress and also helps with feeling more compassionate towards your children; this, in turn, helps to reduce stress and anxiety in children, too. One way to practice self-compassion is to think of an adult who used to care for you when you were young and consider their love for you and how they would encourage you.
Mindfulness practices
Mindfulness practices can reduce stress and anxiety and help us feel more present in every moment, which also increases enjoyment. It is not always easy to find specified blocks of time for meditation or other mindfulness practices, like yoga. But even in the midst of a busy day, it is possible to practice mindful moments. Dr. Susan Pollack offers short meditations that were specifically created for parents. You can try those before going to bed, early in the morning, or throughout the day. Another short meditation (by Dr. Rick Hanson) fosters a sense of safety, in only 5 minutes.
Mindfulness practice can be as simple as being aware of the warmth of the water and feeling the soap, when you wash your hands. Or taking a deep breath (or three if you can find the time). Breathing out longer than breathing in helps to foster a calmer state. Sometimes, the energy is too hectic to move into a calm state quickly, and in those cases, it can help to practice mindful movement. Lastly, you can also practice mindful awareness of your children’s breath, the softness of their skin, or their laughter. Mindfulness can be playful and joyful, too!
Focus on the positive
When we feel worn out and stressed, our minds tend to move toward more negative thoughts. It helps to practice focusing on the positive, such as in gratitude practice. For example, you could create a gratitude jar, where everyone in the family can put in notes about things that they are thankful for. Or share the best things that happened to you during dinnertime. Everything that happens can be reframed in a positive way. This does not mean that there should be no space for all feelings to be felt and shared, but it can help us refocus in a different way, which makes stressful circumstances easier to bear.
Resources to Support Parental Resilience
Help Me Grow Utah offers many resources to support parental resilience. You matter! You can always call your Parent Support Specialist (PSS) when you feel parenting is challenging or when stressors keep coming. During the perinatal period (before and after giving birth), we offer the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression questionnaire: a quick check-in to your mental well-being around this time of life. Your PSS will be happy to talk to discuss ways that can strengthen your preferred ways of fostering parental resilience. Help Me Grow can also send you helpful resources or help you find a therapist or other support. This page, for example, has a plethora of handouts that can help foster resilience.
What helps you fill up your cup?
