Do you have times in your parenting where you end up yelling at your children and then feeling guilty? You’re not even sure your kids are listening! Let’s explore discipline and see if we can help you.
What comes to mind when you hear the word discipline? There are many definitions for this word. Too often we tend to focus on discipline as a punishment, but it also means to teach or to train. Dr. Daniel Siegel, in his book No-Drama Discipline, introduces the following concepts and handouts to help.
Goal: Be intentional and make decisions based on principles thought and agreed upon beforehand.
The first thing you need is to have a clear and consistent strategy for responding to misbehavior.
We can refocus our discipline by asking ourselves 4 questions:
- Why did my child act this way?
- What lesson do I want to teach?
- How can I best teach this?
- Is my “How” developmentally appropriate?
For example, your child hits you. Why? Did they need your attention? What lesson do you want to teach? Hitting is not okay. Another option is to teach them “how” to get your attention. This might mean you ask them to touch your arm or use their words. How can I best teach this? Explain that you understand that they needed you and that it is hard to wait but hitting is not acceptable. This would be developmentally appropriate for a child as young as 3 or 4. It can be so easy to get into autopilot and just react.
Another example could be you have two children who are fighting with each other. Why? We may not always know what started it or why if we are walking in on it. It is important to listen to both children’s sides of the argument. What lesson do you want to teach? How to disagree respectfully, without hurting each other. How can I best teach this? Give examples of what they could say to one another. Give them some good examples for problem solving. A situation like this would be most developmentally appropriate for children starting around 5. By asking ourselves the above questions, we can slow down the moment and parent in a way that is more intentional.
It is also important to create a safe space to sit with your child and discuss how they felt about the situation. When we ask these questions we really dig into what the purpose is behind how we parent our children. We discipline more effectively and teach the behaviors we would like to see. If we can use these questions we will more effectively teach and help our children develop healthy relationships.
